WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO FEEL SOMETHING WITHOUT KNOWING

4:16 PM


ATTENTION: THERE ARE A LOT OF "I DON'T KNOW's" in this post, so if you're like me who is lost in this world, well what can I say - continue reading. 


"TALK ABOUT FEELING OF NOT KNOWING," my boyfriend says. Now, how do I start this? I don't even know where to start, I don't even know what to say. But I think that's the purpose of the title right? 

Rainy days, my heart couldn't tolerate even a drizzle I see from my room's window. When everybody's enjoying rain with a good cuddle, or even a hot mug of hot choco here I am cursing on it - my mortal enemy this year. I DON'T KNOW why but lately, the rain has given me anxiety. Maybe in a way that I can't stop thinking how cruel the weather can do to Mother Earth. You know, with the constant flood and terrible Earthquakes. It scares me. 

It's a Tuesday afternoon and I just finished my job interview, it took me months to finally convinced myself to go back to the corporate world - maybe because that's what I needed? I have a job - I have a business. I do wake up at 7 in the morning and will sit wherever around our house in where I can work properly. But It's been months and I DON'T KNOW why I'm longing for an 8-hour office work - which clearly I was the one who wished to not be there again. 

 I've read my blogs ways back 2011 and what saddens me is why can't I write like that again? I DON'T KNOW. Do I need to be heartbroken or do I need to experience something depressing or whatsoever to get me back on track? I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE. But here I am, writing a blog post in my phone notepad application at 12:37 am. What I'm feeling now actually makes a lot of sense. 


The feeling of not knowing? It's scary. You have a lot of unanswered questions and late night thoughts that can give you terrible anxiety. SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.  But why am I still not stopping? Is it because I want a clear way? I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE? Our mind is always uncertain - that I can say. We don't know what's always going on up there and it makes us all crazy. It makes us anxious in a way we tend to over think things to get some answers or assumptions in life, I guess.

Whenever I have questions, I read my daily Zodiac Sign - and I hate to say this but sometimes it gives me this relief feeling. At least I know that some things really happen for a reason right? and the feeling of not knowing? Can suck it. Wow, I can't believe at this point I have realized some stuff in life. Crazy! A blog post in my notepad somehow gives me a peace of mind. Maybe because I've been really longing to write something but I can't just put my feelings into words - and now it's everywhere. 

Right now, What I can say is that I am living with the Anxieties of not knowing. 
I have my top two I don't know's in my mind.

1. I don't know why I feel lost when in my mind I know I'm on the right path. 

2. I don't know whether I should start over or what? But where do I start over? And why?

There are a lot of things going on in my mind. It's like a circus up there, having its own roller coaster ride.

My Zodiac Sign says " Maybe you’re a little confused lately. You don’t know if the path you’re walking is the right one. It’s okay to be confused and unsure. Follow that uncertainty. But do not allow the fear of failing dictate choices of walking away. Sometimes the hard path to start walking on is the one that leads us to exactly where we need to be. Maybe the next four months of your life won’t be the best but what will come out of it is a greater reward that you don’t see yet." 

I'm stopping my blahs here and I'm thrilled to know what's the last 4 months of 2017 have in store for me.


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